Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Is being an awesome friend hindering my chances of becoming the girlfriend?

I have a lot of male friends. Some besties, some close pals, some fun buddies, some acquaintances. I’ve seen their good side and their playboy side. Maybe it’s because these men don’t feel threatened by my presence, because they see me as ‘just a friend’, not a real woman they need to impress. So they open up with me and reveal their real selves. And underneath the bad boy, the playboy, the disgusting male habits etc., they are nice men. Fun men. Men who would make good companions and probably good lovers too. Men that I can envision as a long term partner. So why is it, that they see me as ‘just a friend’? Why do men act differently with women they slot as friends and other women whom they want to impress? I’m not a boy’s girl. I don’t match the men drink for drink. I don’t slam the beers or cheer as hard as they do at the game. So why do they see me differently from women they’re into? Don’t all good relationships start with good friendships? These men depend on me for emotional advice. They bare their souls to me and their deepest secrets. But they don’t go any further. We’ve established friendship. We’ve established emotional dependency. Aren’t these the basics of any relationship? Why don’t awesome friends make girlfriend status? Is it because we know the men too well? Their secrets, their habits, their quirks. Is that what kills the potential romance? Why can’t good friends turn into girlfriends?

Friday, May 2, 2014

He loves me? He loves me not?

He loves me? He loves me not?

In my history of dysfunctional relationships – this is the one constant. This question has kept me awake for many hours. Many nights.

Last year I made a decision to start and try and love myself. All or nothing is something I now demand from a relationship. I am done with meaningless flings. I am done with one-sided love. I am done with complicated situations where I am supposed to understand. I am done with back-stories.

A new friend of mine told me something while chatting with me. “Write your own script , else you become a part of someone else’s and you will always get a lousy role.”

If we do write our own script, then this question does not arise.

It is just not about me. I see women around me, of varying ages; successful, confident who lose their way and mind for the same thing. This past year has been me realize that there are so many friends around me who suffer from the same uncertainty. Does he? Doesn’t he?

It makes me wonder; why do women fall for this trap? Why do women spend hours wondering the same? Why not go for sure shot simple stories? Is the allure of unattainable? Is it all about bad boys? Do we like drama? Drama so crippling that it doesn’t let us breathe. Makes us stop living.

While I am still far from finding answers, what I have realized is I am done. I am done spending hours decoding words, smses, messages, reactions. If he loves me – he will tell me. If he doesn’t – he will keep playing with me and keep me hanging. And now I will walk away.

All or nothing.