10 Things I would tell my younger self:

1. Don't sacrifice your own plans for maybe with someone else. If you were important to them, maybe would never have been used. Time is limited. Be alone and enjoy.

2. Save. Money is important. For being independent. For being secure. Save a little in the beginning but save.  It's ok if you don't have that wow heels but it's not ok to be stressed about money every month. It's not ok to live cheque to cheque. It's not cool.

3. Make your home comfortable and have friends over more. It's ok if they mess your house. Don't be a cleanliness freak. Let go.

4. Travel more. Don't sacrifice travel plans for work. Work will always be there. You are not indispensable at work. No one is. Office and the work won't collapse. Don't cancel travel plans. 

5.  Don't waste your time and emotions on a man who has you on stand by mode. We are meant to be special. We are not meant to be an option. 

6. Which leads to the next point. Let go faster. Don't live in the past so much. Learn to move on faster. Life is so much lighter if you don't carry around all your baggage. 

7. Learn to identify toxic relationships. Lots of Friends, colleagues, lovers and family may end up taking more out of you than they should be. They may end up pulling you down instead of uplifting you. End the relationships asap. 

8. Don't smoke. It's not cool. It takes much more from you than you can imagine. Not to mention it propagates gossip in office. Stay away from smoking corners in office. 

9. Eat more home cooked food. Your stomach will thank you later. As you grow older, you will know what this is about. 

10. Be more active. Walk more, cycle more. It gets tougher to lose weight as one gets older. 

Date a man who butters your toast

I grew up with a very clear picture of the man I'll date and then fall in love with. Doesn't talk much, hence doesn't express much. Has to be tall and rugged to look at and has to have a head full of hair. Aloof, hard from the exterior, doesn't cry at the drop of a hat, hard working, aggressive in the business world and a workaholic. He would pamper me with the best money can buy. 

While the white hairs have been increasing on my head, I have navigated myself in and out of relationships. Got my heart broken quite a few times. Realised later on in hindsight some were infatuations, some were just a ego trip and very few were love. But I would try and stay faithful to the idea of the perfect man.

Now I have finally realised what a crock of bull is the mills and boons image of what a perfect man should be! 

Be in love with a man who makes you walk inside and not on the side of the traffic. It's ok if he is short. It's ok if he is not good looking. But he will make you feel the prettiest in the world. He may be losing hair or getting pudgy in the centre but cause you are in his life he has started working out. His hands are soft, he looks straight into your eyes and cries as much as you do. He is not afraid to say I love you and doesn't mind giving you a foot massage after your long day. He liked cuddling and hugging you and loves to stay in. The things he offers money can't buy. Be in love with a man who butters your toast. 

Is being an awesome friend hindering my chances of becoming the girlfriend?

I have a lot of male friends. Some besties, some close pals, some fun buddies, some acquaintances. I’ve seen their good side and their playboy side. Maybe it’s because these men don’t feel threatened by my presence, because they see me as ‘just a friend’, not a real woman they need to impress. So they open up with me and reveal their real selves. And underneath the bad boy, the playboy, the disgusting male habits etc., they are nice men. Fun men. Men who would make good companions and probably good lovers too. Men that I can envision as a long term partner. So why is it, that they see me as ‘just a friend’? Why do men act differently with women they slot as friends and other women whom they want to impress? I’m not a boy’s girl. I don’t match the men drink for drink. I don’t slam the beers or cheer as hard as they do at the game. So why do they see me differently from women they’re into? Don’t all good relationships start with good friendships? These men depend on me for emotional advice. They bare their souls to me and their deepest secrets. But they don’t go any further. We’ve established friendship. We’ve established emotional dependency. Aren’t these the basics of any relationship? Why don’t awesome friends make girlfriend status? Is it because we know the men too well? Their secrets, their habits, their quirks. Is that what kills the potential romance? Why can’t good friends turn into girlfriends?

He loves me? He loves me not?

He loves me? He loves me not?

In my history of dysfunctional relationships – this is the one constant. This question has kept me awake for many hours. Many nights.

Last year I made a decision to start and try and love myself. All or nothing is something I now demand from a relationship. I am done with meaningless flings. I am done with one-sided love. I am done with complicated situations where I am supposed to understand. I am done with back-stories.

A new friend of mine told me something while chatting with me. “Write your own script , else you become a part of someone else’s and you will always get a lousy role.”

If we do write our own script, then this question does not arise.

It is just not about me. I see women around me, of varying ages; successful, confident who lose their way and mind for the same thing. This past year has been me realize that there are so many friends around me who suffer from the same uncertainty. Does he? Doesn’t he?

It makes me wonder; why do women fall for this trap? Why do women spend hours wondering the same? Why not go for sure shot simple stories? Is the allure of unattainable? Is it all about bad boys? Do we like drama? Drama so crippling that it doesn’t let us breathe. Makes us stop living.

While I am still far from finding answers, what I have realized is I am done. I am done spending hours decoding words, smses, messages, reactions. If he loves me – he will tell me. If he doesn’t – he will keep playing with me and keep me hanging. And now I will walk away.

All or nothing.

The Single Man…. Is no longer single!

There was once a single man. A man who vowed never to get married. Or remarried. A man who loved the single life….relationships without strings. Flings without complications. Infidelity without consequences. This man stole a tiny piece of my heart…. And then eventually, married someone else. One-of-a-kind, I thought. A confused man who obviously wasn’t sure what he wanted. Or maybe he just wasn’t that into me. Won’t happen again, I thought. And then it happened, again.

 

Single men are a rare species. And when you meet the few around, you realise why most of them are still single. But when you meet one that you really connect with, a man who makes you smile, laugh and feel all the right feelings, you wonder…. Even if marriage is not high on your list and you’re content with what you have, you still wonder. Yet, you realise that what you have is special and you’re happy to leave it at that, without signing your name on the dotted line. But what happens when he signs the dotted line with another woman? Do you question yourself, or the man?

 

The first time it happened to me, it broke a tiny bit of my heart. After all, he had only stolen a tiny piece of it. The first time, I questioned myself. But the second time, I began to wonder why the single man was not really single. Was it a coincidence that the two men I felt something for, the men who vowed never to get married, went on to marry other women?

Where are the real single men?

 

Do I want to know?

So here's a question. Do you want to find out that you have a serious illness and give yourself a chance to get treated and maybe live or you don't want to find out and live the rest of your life (however short that maybe) in oblivion and having fun in bits.

So let me state here that there is nothing wrong with me. I have planned a normal health check up with Sonali (co-author of this blog) which includes a mammogram and Pap smear. Our first. 

This plan has been done with much trepidation, anxious discussion and scheduling with her and the guarantee of her company.

Am I the only one worried or afraid of these? Or is this normal ? And back to what I started this with, do I want to know if there is anything wrong? 

I don't live the healthiest of lives. Made lots of mistakes in making choices which have also effected me health wise but yet it's not that bad. Exercise has been the errant man flitting in and out of my life. Healthy home cooked food as made guest appearances in my house here and there and I quit smoking ages ago. Tolerance to alcohol has diminished and mid week partying sacrificed for a good nights sleep. So I should be ok, right? 

Married but looking for fun

This blog has been inspired by a chat with an ex/best friend yesterday where as  usual we rambled on and talked about topics from sex to holidays and back to sex.

Bear with me while I give a short background. Met him when I was much younger. He older and sexier. His voice made my knees buckle. He was married and I was not. He was looking for fun and I thought so was I. He grew fond of me and I fell in love. Eventually after 7 years somewhere my brains kicked in and I stopped talking to him for a year to get over him. 

There is obviously something about him as I miss when I don't keep in touch and have a ginormous soft spot for him. But I rather hug and cuddle him now than sleep with him.

Back to yesterday. He was giving me a detailed download on the new woman in his life. She is married too like him. I asked him, "doesn't it get sticky?". He responded, "I find the "wishing to remain married, but looking for some fun on the side" the best type actually".

That got me thinking. In the last two years where I have been single and I won't lie, the entire period has not been a choice, I have come across many a married man who love their wife. Have a very secure picture perfect life from the outside. But are looking for fun.

From the top of my head, five. These are sexy, accomplished men. As I mentioned, it seems they have the perfect marriage. But one work trip evening catch up, one afternoon coffee, one chat, one drink and they put it out there. They are open to fun with me. 

So is this the norm nowadays? Is this what marriage nowadays means? Do I then stop looking for the best friend/travelling companion/amazing sex person I am looking for?