He loves me? He loves me not?

He loves me? He loves me not?

In my history of dysfunctional relationships – this is the one constant. This question has kept me awake for many hours. Many nights.

Last year I made a decision to start and try and love myself. All or nothing is something I now demand from a relationship. I am done with meaningless flings. I am done with one-sided love. I am done with complicated situations where I am supposed to understand. I am done with back-stories.

A new friend of mine told me something while chatting with me. “Write your own script , else you become a part of someone else’s and you will always get a lousy role.”

If we do write our own script, then this question does not arise.

It is just not about me. I see women around me, of varying ages; successful, confident who lose their way and mind for the same thing. This past year has been me realize that there are so many friends around me who suffer from the same uncertainty. Does he? Doesn’t he?

It makes me wonder; why do women fall for this trap? Why do women spend hours wondering the same? Why not go for sure shot simple stories? Is the allure of unattainable? Is it all about bad boys? Do we like drama? Drama so crippling that it doesn’t let us breathe. Makes us stop living.

While I am still far from finding answers, what I have realized is I am done. I am done spending hours decoding words, smses, messages, reactions. If he loves me – he will tell me. If he doesn’t – he will keep playing with me and keep me hanging. And now I will walk away.

All or nothing.